14 August

 edit to elevate



 in the whirlwind of life

unafraid of swirling current

 tossed into air

with open arms


she gives herself over


to the winnowing


and lets the chaff fall where it will





I wrote the post before this one earlier in the day and before I saw the prompt for Poets United.

I think they go together rather well so I revisited my earlier words and severely edited to get more

 rhythmic and  succinct words 

feel free to critique if you would like. 



Comments

  1. Sherry Blue Sky14/08/2013, 20:18

    I think this is perfectly penned. And a person who wrote about pudding (me) would not dare to critique such a gem! smiles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. WabiSabi14/08/2013, 21:13

    I love the spareness of this compared with the lushness of the original. (Both have a place in poetry) you pared your poem down to the essentials, making a powerful statement! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Paul Andrew Russell15/08/2013, 03:04

    I much prefer this edited version. It says so much yet with fewer words. Nice writing. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Rosemary Nissen-Wade17/08/2013, 01:05

    I agree. You have edited it beautifully.

    ReplyDelete
  5. kelvin s.m.17/08/2013, 02:33

    ...this is brilliant & a sheer delight to read... and ye know i can easily breathe every words you layered here... loved it... smiles...

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rambling Woods18/08/2013, 00:43

    I liked this

    ReplyDelete

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Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you.
Moon and stars pour their healing light on you

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